


Deep Desires

by endlessnight



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Drunk Victor Nikiforov, First Kiss, Flirty Victor, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV First Person, rating changes with the second chapter, train of thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 14:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13169049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endlessnight/pseuds/endlessnight
Summary: He didn’t care if I wasn’t drunk and I was going to remember everything from the night, or maybe his purpose was to make me remember, that I don’t know, but he firmly gripped my chin between his fingers and with his index on my lower lip he made me open up my mouth, while staring into my eyes with a cocked eyebrow.I thought it was because of the alcohol. Sober Viktor would never do that. Sober Viktor would never want me.





	Deep Desires

**Author's Note:**

> Okay everybodyyyy  
> I'm not dead! I want to write and post again, I'm posting this actually to encourage myself to do more next year and i hope you'll stick around!  
> I started writing this victuri when YOI was still airing, so i started last year and i abandoned it, just like i did with so many other projects. I discovered this fic in my folder a few months ago and i continued for a while, but i forgot again (whoops)  
> and here i am now, finally finishing it! (but only the first chapter)  
> Hope you enjoy this mess :')

The things I feared the most. All of the things I feared were right in front of my eyes, I could not escape them this time. _What should I do?_ I thought to myself, but no logical answer came up to my mind. Of course, I’m not able to think straight.

He put down his sake on the table and leant over, closing the distance between our faces. It was the second time that he did it, the first one was on that same day, only a few hours earlier. I hadn’t recovered yet, from that first time that he touched me. I knew it was going to happen again, but my body wasn’t ready. It was still burning on the spot he laid his finger on, upon my lips.

I held my breath.

“Why are you not drinking, Yuuri?”

He asked me, like it was the most normal thing to do after dinner, while chatting in his private room, when he was supposed to change into his pyjama and go to sleep already. We had morning practice so early, every day, but that didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest.

“I don’t really like the taste” I answered, truthfully.

He looked at me, no, glared at me with such malice in his eyes that I had to look away.

 _What was that?_ Did I say something weird? I really couldn’t get everything he said, he was thinking, most of the time… Viktor Nikiforov was a riddle to me, a riddle I was never gonna be able to solve.

“Besides, if I drink now, I probably will have trouble waking up early for practice tomorrow, and I don’t want to skip…” That was true, once again. But he kept giving me that look, as to say ‘I know what you’re thinking’, even if I didn’t even know for myself.

“But that’s alright, Yuuri” he continued, still that sprinkle of malice in his tone, “I can drink for two”.

I don’t think that’s a good idea, that’s what I thought, but nothing I could was really going to stop him anyway.

He didn’t care if I wasn’t drunk and I was going to remember everything from the night, or maybe his purpose was to make me remember, that I don’t know, but he firmly gripped my chin between his fingers and with his index on my lower lip he made me open up my mouth, while staring into my eyes with a cocked eyebrow.

I thought it was because of the alcohol. _Sober Viktor would never do that. Sober Viktor would never want me._

Instead of letting me go, like he’d done previously during practice, he moved forward, closing the space between us completely, brushing his lips onto mine.

I couldn’t breathe. What are you supposed to do when someone, when that someone in particular is Viktor Nikiforov, takes you between his long and elegant fingers and pushes his mouth onto your mouth. He closed his eyes. I didn’t.

I couldn’t believe it. To me, nothing was happening between us. But then it brought me back to reality, a weird sensation I wasn’t expecting to feel.

He pushed his tongue between my semi open lips, it took me a second to realize.

He tasted weird. It was the sake, I was expecting something better. When that thought crossed my mind, I metaphorically slapped myself in the face. How could _I_ , someone like me, expect to taste Viktor, and be disappointed when recognizing the alcohol on his tongue? Of course he was drunk, he would never kiss me sober. That much I had already established. But even with those thoughts on my mind, I couldn’t stop him from going further, with his tongue into my mouth and his hands travelling over my shirt, trying to feel me underneath, trying to reach every inch of my body, it seemed to me that he was looking for something and I wasn’t wrong, because his hands firmly stopped as soon as he reached my hips and found access to my jeans.

I knew what he wanted. It was much clear from the start. And yet.

He kept kissing me even though I was nervous, even though he knew my hands were shaking and I was unable to do something, or think straight even, but he wasn’t forceful; he was gently, he put care in every gesture, Viktor. If anything, I knew that in some way he cared about me. But he would never understand that to me it wasn’t just affection, it wasn’t just that I had looked up to him for so many years and now we were coach and athlete, to me it wasn’t as simple as that, as superficial as that. I knew my feelings, I knew about it all along.

I was completely lost in my train of thought that I hardly noticed that his hands had stopped, but then I realized that wasn’t the only thing not moving on me anymore. My lips were still wet from the kiss, but Viktor wasn’t on them anymore. He was looking at me, at my pitiful face with such a worried expression, that I couldn’t hold his gaze for too long.

“Yuuri…” he whispered, still staring at me. I could feel his eyes on me, and there was nothing that I had ever wanted more in my life, but not in that moment, not right there where I was the most vulnerable. It was in that moment that I realized I was scared of him finding out the truth. That I wanted him. That I had wanted him for a very long time.

He took my hands in his, I was still looking away but he managed to make me look right at him by simply, gently kissing them. He kissed the back of my right hand once, then my fingers, then he closed his eyes. He was thinking deeply about something, the alcohol still circulating in his system maybe making it a bit too difficult.

“Do you hate me, Yuuri?” he asked, in the end, his voice soft but shaking a bit.

I held my breath, not sure what to say. Out of all the things I was expecting, everything I feared, he asked me the one thing I was thinking about him, too.

“Never” I simply admitted. “I could never hate you”.

“I’m so glad…” he whispered again, finally letting go of my hands, but only to wrap his arms around me, tight.

“You were right, Yuuri… You need to go to bed, and… do that thing… Do everything you need. Take care. Tomorrow… Big day…” Viktor mumbled, and I couldn’t help but smile because apparently Viktor was trying to tell me I needed to sleep but couldn’t remember the word for it.

I reached out with my hand to caress his hair, without thinking too much of my actions. Viktor would probably remember little of that night anyway, so there was no reason to fear all the questioning about it on the morning after.

Viktor looked at him in awe. He was so gorgeous, it left me speechless, but apparently I wasn’t the only one feeling paralyzed and unable to look away.

Viktor sighed, eventually.

“You’re so good to me, Yuuri” he confessed in between soft kissed that he was now peppering on my cheeks, then he made his way to my neck and left a sloppy one there too.

I could feel shivers down my spine but I gave in to the feeling, letting Viktor do whatever he wanted to me again, for the third time now. I was too lost into him, I knew there was no way of stopping him again.

“We’ll continue this conversation… Tomorrow… After practice… For sure”.

I helped him get to his bed, still feeling dizzy from the kisses and unable to regain composure. Then, in a second, I was out of his room and into my bed, in my cold and empty bedroom.

Tomorrow, after practice, he said. But what if he won’t remember, I thought to myself, since he didn’t even know how to say the word ‘sleep’.

I needed to sleep. To sleep it out of my system, that taste he left on my tongue, that scent I could still breathe around me, that feeling of his lips and his hands on my skin. I had to forget it, for a while. He sure was far gone now, in his own bed, underneath the sheets and that night wouldn’t even be a pale memory to him. And I didn’t sleep for one bit.

-

“Morning, Yuuri! You’re up early” my mother greeted me as I entered the kitchen, already fully dressed and my gym bag in one hand.

“Yeah…” I agreed. I should have slept more, but I couldn’t even bring myself to try. That night I was restless, too many thoughts in my head, making my room so noisy even though I couldn’t even hear the ticking of my clock.

“That’s good, I mean, that you woke up early. I saw Viktor leave early too, this morning, when I got in the kitchen to make you some breakfast he was going out already!”

My body froze, completely. I was paralyzed, once again, a familiar feeling since the night before. Memories of the time spent with Viktor came to my mind again –as if they were ever gone-

“What- what do you mean? Then I’m late, I must hurry!”

Running to the rink alone felt weird. It was like going back in time, to a time where Viktor wasn’t there with me, where I was left alone with my own negative thoughts and a weight that only brought me down and made me fall on the ice, repeatedly.

I opened the doors just to see Viktor standing, probably waiting for me.

 _Is he mad? Is he mad at me?_ I couldn’t bring myself to ask, not a word left my mouth, like I’d just lost my voice while running in the cold morning breeze.

He simply smiled, a little pinkness bringing his cheeks to life.

“How are you feeling this morning, Yuuri?”

 _I could ask the same about you_ , I thought. I cursed to myself because I happened to have the right answer to his questions so many times, but I lacked the courage to speak up.

“I… Tired. I needed more sleep.”

“I see” he nodded. He then looked at the ice and wondered for a little bit, as I got ready with my skates.

“Let’s keep today’s practice simple” he explained. “I want you to work on the routines, surely, but you don’t need to practice the full choreography, we’ll just do little bits to improve the small details, like your posture after your jumps and the way you lose control of your hands when you’re too busy thinking if you’re gonna fall or not. Details are everything.”

Viktor looked so focused, I thought maybe he’d forgotten all the things that happened between us the night before. He promised me something, thought, he may not remember now. Who am I to make him remember and maybe ruin our… whatever there was between us?

“I need you to concentrate so we can go through this quickly, Yuuri” he added. I looked at him and nodded, because I knew there was also the training at the gym waiting for me afterwards. But then he straddled me, like only Viktor could. “I may be wrong, but I promised we’d have a little talk today, after practice, is it okay Yuuri?”

I swallowed. He remembered?

-

Feeling exhausted, I dragged myself in the shower. I needed to get cleaned and do it quickly, because Viktor was waiting for me, he said we’d have lunch together and that we needed to discuss a few things. My brain was messing with me, for sure, cause he couldn’t have meant that we needed to talk about _that_. About what happened. Of course he couldn’t remember, he was mostly drunk and… The embarrassment made my face turn bright red, I had to turn the water temperature from moderately hot to really cold because of all the emotions I was going through. Viktor was too much for me, he would make me lose my mind eventually.

Walking home with him was easy, though. Being with him was always the easiest thing for me, we were so used to being around each other. Even when there was silence between us, I felt comfortable and I could tell he did, too.

The lack of words from him in that moment made it so clear that he had a lot to think about, a lot going on in his head, and I didn’t want to interrupt his train of thoughts.

“Can I come to your room, Yuuri?” he asked, all of a sudden.

I unexpectedly replied “why?” even though I truly just wanted to say ‘yes’.

“Sorry, maybe I’m too demanding, but I thought it would be too much to ask if I offered you to sit and talk in my room. Too forward, my brain said to me, so I thought… but if you do mind, I’m fine with going wherever you’re comfortable the most.”

“I… don’t” I was too surprised for a moment to actually put words together. “I don’t mind, that’s what I’m trying to say. In your room, it would be fine. But my room sounds okay as well.”

Viktor smiled at me. “Your room it is!”

I walked silently in front of him and then waited for him to step inside. I closed the door and watched him sit on my bed and get comfortable, he then looked at me and suggested that I sat next to him, _close_ to him.

“Is this about…?” I began to ask, when he interrupted my words to finish the sentence: “last night”.

“I thought you were going to lecture me or something, cause I’m slacking off and I’m not enough—“

“Yuuri, why would I? Why would you even think that? Have I not made it clear that I adore your work and the passion you’re putting in every practice with me? You’re improving so much, and this is not just my saying as a coach, but as a skater and your friend”.

_If you’re my friend then why did you kiss me?_

“If you’re my friend then why did you kiss me?”

“Oh”

It took me a couple of seconds to realize what I had just done. Verbalize my thoughts, something that had never happened before. _How could I let something like that slip out?_

“Is that what you think?” Viktor asked, his eyes a bit darker than before.

“I—I’m sorry” I could only mutter. I didn’t know what to say anymore, how could I ever save the situation after that.

“That’s what I wanted to talk about, Yuuri… Last night, I… I should have never…”

“Yes you shouldn’t have.” My voice sounded too harsh, I never wanted to be that harsh to Viktor, then why was I…?

“I’m sorry I ruined everything. I was drinking and God, how I wanted to kiss you, how I always want to kiss you but in that moment I was just too weak and the desire was too strong. That’s what I wanted to tell you, I shouldn’t have done that while drunk, because you couldn’t guess my intention then and obviously it would feel right as I’m conscious and sober, but I ruined it. I ruined our relationship and I stepped too far. Because that’s not something you want, me…”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just stared at him, as the colour from his cheeks began to fade away. Viktor was pale now, as he spoke his last words before standing up from my bed.

“I’m sorry I did that to you, you probably hated it.”

I couldn’t stop myself then, my own words betrayed me and called out to him.

“Viktor—I didn’t hate it—I don’t”

I got up to get on the same level as him, so I could stare into his eyes and face all of my fears once and for all.

“I did want to… as well… I was scared it meant nothing to you and so I stopped you, because it meant too much to me”.

It felt like all the air in my lungs had left me for good, I wasn’t able to say much after that, but Viktor closed the space between us and let his arms around me, comforting me like only Viktor could.

“I—I don’t know what to say…”

“Can we stay like this for a while?” I asked, holding tightly onto Viktor.

“I feel like we should talk, Yuuri” he whispered, “but for once you’ve let me speechless”.

I took a deep breath, inhaling Viktor’s scent and letting myself get lost in the moment. It’s nice sometimes to believe that everything is falling right into place, and maybe it was just like that, between Viktor and me. It felt so right.

Viktor loosened our embrace just enough to be able to look at me in the eyes.

“Your glasses are so dirty, моя любовь”

“What on earth, Viktor?!”

I laughed, he was right. I took my glasses off to clean them, but unexpectedly I wasn’t able to, my face suddenly captured by Viktor and my lips claimed in that exact moment. Viktor kissed me softly, but I could feel the urgency in his movements. He wanted to be delicate, take it slow, but I knew he was struggling to. I was as well, after all.

“Viktor…” I whispered as I kissed him again, parting my lips and letting myself go, and it hit me. Viktor didn’t taste like sake this time, he tasted like Viktor, a moment I thought I could never re-live, a taste I thought I could never feel on my tongue, his voice whispering my name, his hands suddenly on my hips pulling me closer.

 

Was I dreaming? It could be, since I hadn’t got enough sleep last night and maybe I fell asleep right before talking to Viktor. But Viktor’s strong hands on my body brought me back to reality as soon as I began to derail.

 

“Yuuri…” Viktor finally spoke, interrupting the kisses. “I’m so sorry I hit on you while I was drunk. I truly am” and he meant it. I already had forgiven him so I reassured him.

“Let’s drink together, next time, promise?”

“Oh, of course, Yuuri. Seeing how you act while drunk and how I simply cannot ignore my impulses, well… It’s going to be quite interesting!”

**Author's Note:**

> моя любовь : my love


End file.
